Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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