How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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