I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
just tell him i said nine months
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
