She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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