I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
