The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
