please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
