I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
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