guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
