I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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