3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
