Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
