it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
