What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
