Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
