Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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