i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
