If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
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