apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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