She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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