Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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