I cockslap morals
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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