I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
