I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
