Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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