you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Boobs speak an international language.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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