Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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