Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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