I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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