why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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