my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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