i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
