I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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