Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
