Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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