You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
