I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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