my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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