I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
