My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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