my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
