i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
