I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
