apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
