I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
