I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
