I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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