just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
