You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
