So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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