I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
